


Thoroughbred and Bittersweet

by jsnoopy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Omega Huang Ren Jun, Omega Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Sex, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:55:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24918706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jsnoopy/pseuds/jsnoopy
Summary: “We’ve been taught all our lives that being good meant giving up what we want,” Donghyuck said. He reached out, and took Renjun’s hand in his, squeezing his fingers gently. “Renjun. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to be good.”
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 62
Kudos: 337





	Thoroughbred and Bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> this is not genre-bending and while i'm not tagging for internalized homophobia, the light angst refers primarily to a struggle for acceptance with omega/omega attraction! if you think this may make you uncomfortable, please don't read.
> 
> but, um, thank you to EverybodyKnowsIt for enabling me. welcome to the undefined place and time period renjanch!

Summer was drawing to an end when Renjun received the letter. 

It was short, written in haste. Its brevity made it easy for Renjun to remember, to turn the words around in his head as he laid awake at night.

_I met a young soldier named Donghyuck at port. He is in need of a place to stay. He’ll arrive within the week._

_Your brother,_

_Sicheng_

Renjun wasn’t in the position to argue. He was the younger brother, and technically Sicheng owned the house and all the land. Sicheng had a penchant for taking in strays, so Renjun was used to this in some regard.

But, this was the first time Sicheng had invited someone to stay at the ranch while away. And it was the first time Renjun had been alone at the ranch for this long since the death of their parents. 

“Are you sure you won’t mind being alone?” Sicheng had asked the night before he’d left for the coast. “Maybe Mark can come and stay with you. No one will think it’s inappropriate.”

Renjun only had to consider the idea of the sweet beta schoolteacher moving in for a second before he dismissed it. He had shaken his head, assured Sicheng he would be alright managing things by himself. 

He’d thought it had worked. Maybe Sicheng was doing this out of the kindness of his heart, but was it possible he just didn’t believe his little brother was capable of handling life alone?

Renjun tried not to let the thought bother him, but the letter was etched on the inside of his eyelids as he drifted off, replayed in his mind as he did his chores, pulled his attention away as he read after dinner.

There was nothing he could do but let it happen. 

When Donghyuck arrived, Renjun had just finished making the bed in Sicheng’s room, the fresh linens cool under his hands as he tucked the corners of the sheets under the mattress and smoothed out the quilt. It was one of his mother’s, faded and soft, but still just as warm. 

As a soldier, this stranger was probably used to rough conditions. Renjun hoped he would appreciate some comfort in this creaky old ranch house. 

Donghyuck arrived with just one bag. His shoes were covered in dust from the road. Renjun watched from the front window as the man trudged up to the porch, looking down at a slip of paper in his hand. 

Renjun pulled open the front door, sucking on his lower lip as he waited for the man to reach the house.

When their eyes met, Renjun’s breath stuttered.

The ranch had never seen someone like Donghyuck before. Neither had Renjun.

His long hair was pulled back, shorter strands falling in loose waves around his face, which was built in strong angles and curves. But the gentleness in Donghyuck’s eyes struck Renjun first -- the cautious gaze he met Renjun with, the way his hands shook as he extended them to Renjun and clasped Renjun’s hand between his.

“Renjun,” Donghyuck said, his voice golden like the afternoon sun, “it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Yeah,” Renjun said, “you too.”

Renjun set the tea kettle on the gas cooktop. Though he heard the quiet shuffling footsteps in the hall, he remained in front of the stove, reluctant to turn.

The footsteps stopped in the doorway of the kitchen. 

Something salty and deep tickled Renjun’s nose as Donghyuck entered the room. He had smelled something like it outside when they met, but the outside air subdued its strength. Now, just a few feet apart, Renjun was hyper aware of Donghyuck’s scent.

“Do you like tea?” Renjun asked. His voice came out lower than he’d intended, quiet enough to be lost to the sound of the wind outside. 

It was going to storm tonight.

“Yes, thank you.”

Renjun didn’t turn until the water boiled. He kept his gaze low as he steeped the tea. “Is the room alright?”

“Oh,” Donghyuck said, “yes. Everything’s...perfect. Thank you.”

“Sometimes it gets cold upstairs, so there are extra blankets in the closet if you need them.”

“Thank you,” Donghyuck said again. “You’re so kind to let me stay here. You and your brother are...so generous.”

Renjun tried for a smile as he brought the cups to the table. It had been a while since he had reason for the expression. It felt strained. “We’re lucky to have so much. It’d be a shame not to share what we have with others.”

Donghyuck seemed rooted to his spot in the doorway. He stood there until Renjun motioned at the chairs around the table.

Donghyuck ducked his head as he moved to take a seat, ‘thank you’ passing over his lips once more. 

Renjun stared as Donghyuck folded over the steaming cup. “You’re tall, for an omega.”

Donghyuck’s smile was different. It spread over his face before Renjun had time to blink, gone again in a moment, like Renjun had shocked amusement to the surface.

“That’s what everyone says,” Donghyuck murmured. 

Renjun heard what he really meant. _You’re just like the rest._

But he wasn’t. There was just no way to tell him that, this stranger sitting at his table. 

Renjun swallowed his bitter protest with a sip of his tea, and fell quiet. 

They settled into a silent routine. Move for move, Renjun’s guest to matched him in shyness. Their days were written in avoidance. 

Every time their eyes met, Renjun felt heat crawl up his neck to his cheeks, but it was Donghyuck who looked away first, just as Renjun would open his mouth to ask him a question.

It was for the best. What would Renjun even ask?

He never had to request that Donghyuck help him with chores. The young soldier seemed all too eager to take care of the animals. Often, Renjun found him outside in the early evening, leaning into the corral to pet the cows’ wide noses. This was the beginning of Renjun’s staring problem.

Sometimes Renjun would turn the corner to the washroom and find Donghyuck already there. 

Renjun wasn’t proud of the way he hesitated a few moments too long before leaving him there alone, or the way his eyes trailed over the dip of Donghyuck’s bare spine, the scars that littered his shoulders and ribs. 

He spent his mornings trying not to think about the wild tufts of dark hair that stuck up all over Donghyuck’s head when they met over breakfast, or the purple bags under his eyes. He never questioned the sounds he heard at night, when nightmares crept out of the corners of Donghyuck’s mind and pulled him out of bed. 

Renjun never asked him where he was from, why he didn’t have anywhere else to go. Questions about the war stayed in his throat, bitten back. This man wouldn’t want to discuss something so serious with a simple rancher who couldn’t understand what it was like to wake up every day and choose to look death in the face.

They were strangers. They could stay that way until Donghyuck left and took his seasalt scent and bright eyes with him.

The silence was inescapable, thickening the air between them for two weeks before they had their first visitor. 

Renjun should have known better than to expect the quiet to continue unchallenged.

Renjun returned from feeding the animals to his friends making themselves at home in the front room. 

“Finally, he’s back!” Jaemin cheered. He leaned forward in his seat to whip away the cloth covering the basket on the tea table. The motion revealed a pile of delicious pastries. Jaemin was well known for his baking skill around town; no matter how intrusive the man was, Renjun found his mouth watering.

Renjun took off his coat. “I didn’t know you were visiting today.”

Mark smiled apologetically from his spot beside Jaemin.

Donghyuck appeared behind Renjun, touching his coat with careful hands. “I’ll hang this up for you.”

Renjun blinked at him. “Alright.”

Donghyuck left the room again, Renjun’s coat hanging over his arm.

Jaemin grinned at him. “He’s very polite, isn’t he?”

“I suppose,” Renjun murmured. He joined them around the tea table, trying not to glance back at the hall where Donghyuck had still not reappeared.

“He was telling us about the city,” Mark said. “It sounds busy. Is Sicheng doing well?”

“He’s fine,” Renjun said.

Jaemin tsked. “You’re the only thing that’s kept that sorry alpha going. I don’t believe for a second that he’s functioning as well without you.”

Mark set his cup down on the table with a clatter. He straightened his shoulders. “Sicheng is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. You should know that no one _needs_ an omega to dote on them, just as omegas don’t _need_ to take care of anyone else to be happy. If Renjun says they’re both doing fine, then they are.”

Jaemin rolled his eyes.

Neither of Renjun’s friends had actually _asked_ if he was doing alright by himself, not so far during this visit or any other meeting they’d had since his older brother left. But he wasn’t going to be the one to correct them. 

Besides, he _was_ fine. There wasn’t much work to do around the ranch this year. And he wasn’t lonely. He had Donghyuck’s silent presence, felt through the house even when they weren’t in the same room.

Just as suddenly as Donghyuck crossed Renjun’s mind, he reappeared in the room, carrying the kettle and a fourth cup, which he set in front of Renjun. 

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck said as he refilled their cups, “I don’t believe I ever asked about either of you, aside from your names. What do you do?”

“We’re both teachers,” Jaemin answered, “most towns as small as ours don’t have two teachers, but we’re all really lucky. We actually all went to school together, Renjun, Mark, and I. And others, of course, but you’ll meet them soon enough.”

Jaemin had a way of chattering on and on… Renjun’s thoughts drifted as he let the man’s voice wash over him. 

Donghyuck, however, kept his attention on Jaemin’s face, nodding between each statement, offering a small smile whenever he said something amusing. It was a nice smile, very much unlike the one that Renjun had prompted from him in their first, and possibly last, conversation.

The former soldier sat on the very edge of his seat, his whole body tensed as if he might need to jump up at any moment and run. While his face was thoughtful, invested in the conversation, his hands twisted together on his lap, fingers always in motion as he rubbed his thumb over his knuckles, worrying his hands. In constant motion, the muscles in his tanned forearms flexed and relaxed again, over and over.

Donghyuck could not keep still, even for a moment. His alertness was alarming. 

Jaemin’s voice trailed off into a question. Renjun startled as Donghyuck glanced at him, their eyes meeting briefly.

Renjun swallowed hard, rolled his shoulders, hoped his staring hadn’t been as obvious as it now felt.

Donghyuck took a deep breath. “I don’t know how long I’ll be staying. Renjun has been so generous. I don’t intend to overstay my welcome.”

Renjun blinked at him. “What?”

Behind his teacup, Jaemin smiled. 

Donghyuck rubbed his palms over his trousers, down his thighs to his knees. “Uhm. I don’t want you to think that I mean to stay forever.”

“I don’t mind,” Renjun said, his tongue moving faster than his mind. “You can stay however long you want.”

“Renjun likes company more than he lets on,” Mark murmured, leaning close to Donghyuck as if it were a secret. “Don’t mind him being cold, it’s just a front.”

“Hey,” Renjun protested, “excuse me.”

Mark smiled. “Am I wrong? You’ve always been shy, but it comes across so cruel. I’m surprised Donghyuck hasn’t exploded with nerves yet.”

Donghyuck was quick to refute, shaking his head. “No, no. Renjun is...he’s been nothing but nice.”

“You’re the only person I’ve ever met who would meet Renjun Huang and call him ‘nice,’” Jamein chortled.

“Hey,” Renjun said again, frowning. “I’m not the one lacking manners here.”

Jaemin took it in stride, sipping his tea as he eyed both Renjun and Donghyuck. His sudden silence made Renjun uneasy. It meant Jaemin was thinking.

“Are you finished with your service, Donghyuck?” Jaemin asked at last, just as Renjun had begun opening his mouth to divert the conversation.

Donghyuck nodded.

“Discharged?” Jaemin pressed.

“The war is over,” Donghyuck said.

What a bloody war. 

Renjun shifted in his seat. Mark frowned into his tea.

“If we’re going to talk about something so serious, we might as well have something stronger to drink,” Jaemin suggested, still so cheery. “Renjun, I’m sure you have something stashed around here. Anything good?”

Donghyuck stood, the abrupt movement cutting off Jaemin’s inquisition. At his sides, Donghyuck’s hands curled into fists. Although faint, the air in the room soured.

“Pardon me,” Donghyuck said, strained, “I’m feeling a little tired. I think I ought to lie down.”

“Oh,” Mark murmured, “I hope you feel better soon. It was nice meeting you.”

Donghyuck kept his head low as he left the room. His footsteps were quiet on the stairs, but Renjun listened until he heard the bedroom door close.

“Very tactful,” Mark said flatly.

Jaemin narrowed his eyes at him. “Me? What did I do?”

Renjun rubbed his brow as his friends bickered in hushed tones in front of him. He knew better than to interject into an argument between them, not because of his rank -- none of them cared about such formalities in private -- but on account of Jaemin’s particular skill at riling him up he’d engaged in a disagreement.

It was something Jaemin excelled at far more than other alphas, who Renjun tended to dismiss. Mark often said he allowed Jaemin to push him too much, but it broke the monotony of Renjun’s apathetic exterior. He knew his friends didn’t mind when he bit back -- in fact, they appreciated it, knowing there was still a spark of life in him.

Yet, today, he couldn’t be bothered, not when Donghyuck’s presence had already faded so quickly from the room. 

Renjun groaned, sliding down in his seat.

It was just enough to catch his guests’ attention again.

“Renjun?” Mark asked. “Are you alright?”

“See,” Jaemin huffed, “they _both_ feel sick. Why do you have to blame _me_ for everything?”

Renjun continued to stare up at the ceiling. Maybe if he looked long and hard, he would be able to see the traces of Donghyuck’s footsteps on the floor above him.

He was interrupted from his reverie by a touch; Mark placed his hand on Renjun’s arm, his gaze searching.

“We didn’t mean to offend him.”

Renjun couldn’t be upset now, not when Mark was looking at him like that, with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He laid his hand over Mark’s, patting it. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll apologize for you later.”

Mark’s worry was stubborn. “Renjun...how well do you know Donghyuck?”

He knew how Donghyuck liked his tea, and that he loved the animals on the ranch, and that he sometimes hummed to himself when he thought Renjun wasn’t around, old songs that Renjun remembered his parents dancing to at Christmas parties. 

“Not very well,” Renjun answered. “We don’t speak much.”

“Maybe you ought to come stay with me in town,” Mark offered. “The apartment at the schoolhouse is big enough for both of us, and I really wouldn’t mind. It’d be nice to see you more often, too.”

It was an obvious offer. It made sense, just as it had when Sicheng had suggested Mark coming to stay at the ranch. No one would object to the two staying together as bachelors, and they enjoyed each other’s company.

Renjun appreciated Mark. He was sweet and giving. Renjun had rarely witnessed Mark acting out of selfishness or anger. They had been friends for years on account of their shared easy-going nature. There was little Renjun liked more than long walks with Mark, discussing their favorite books or sharing quiet gossip.

But living with a beta meant giving up the freedom Renjun enjoyed out here alone. He wasn’t willing to part with that freedom for anything, or anyone.

Besides, while the silence had been a little stifling, he didn’t mind Donghyuck’s company. He was harmless.

“Thank you,” Renjun murmured, “but I’m really alright. I know you’re concerned, but Donghyuck wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.”

“If he did, you could match him blow for blow, huh?” Jaemin teased. 

Renjun shook his head, but couldn’t feign annoyance at Jaemin either. 

Mark seemed to let it go as they finished their visit, but grabbed Renjun’s hand as Jaemin went to fetch their coats, and pulled him in closer.

“If you change your mind, I’d be glad to have you,” Mark said softly, “anytime.”

Renjun smiled, raising his free hand to brush a few crumbs off Mark’s collar. “I know. Thank you.”

Mark sighed. He pulled Renjun into a hug, prompting a laugh to spill over Renjun’s lips. 

Mark gave great hugs -- sturdy, pleasant, free from any suffocating scent. 

Mark’s breath tickled over Renjun’s ear as he turned his head to whisper in his ear. “Remember he’s a soldier, first, before he’s anything else. Be careful.”

Renjun patted Mark’s back. “I will. I promise.”

Mark still wore his concern on his face as he pulled back, glancing over Renjun’s shoulder as they parted. 

Renjun turned to walk with him to the door. His heart leapt as he noticed Donghyuck in the hallway. He hadn’t heard him come down. 

“Feeling better?” Mark asked.

Donghyuck nodded once, his eyes set on Renjun. “I wanted to see you off, and thank you again for coming to meet me.”

“Of course!” Jaemin exclaimed as he returned with Mark’s coat, his own already fitted snugly over his shoulders. “It was a pleasure. I hope we’ll see you again soon, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck nodded again. His gaze slid down to the floor as Jaemin embraced Renjun briefly, as if he didn’t want to witness something so private.

“See you on Sunday, Renjun!” Jaemin called over his shoulder as he led Mark out of the house, their arms linked together. 

Mark looked over his shoulder again as they walked down the road. Renjun could only wave back, and hope it was enough to soothe him. 

He felt Donghyuck’s presence behind him like a shadow as he stood in the doorway, watching his friends until they grew too small in the distance, but when he turned around, he had gone again, disappearing into the house. 

That day, like a ghost, a thief in the night, somehow Donghyuck snuck into Renjun’s thoughts, and he could not shake him out again.

  
  


After Renjun’s morning chores the following day, he found Donghyuck leaning against the paddock fence. Cinnamon, Sicheng’s bay mare with a gentle disposition, snuffed at Donghyuck’s outstretched palm. 

At this distance, Renjun could almost believe they were engaged in deep conversation. Donghyuck’s lips moved as he spoke to Cinnamon, turning his other hand over to pet her muzzle. His light laughter, swept to Renjun on the breeze, sounded like church bells.

Renjun stepped down off the porch, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets, and meandered over to the paddock. 

He had hoped his slow approach would be casual enough to not catch Donghyuck’s attention, but when he glanced up under the brim of his Stetson, Donghyuck was already watching him.

Renjun cleared his throat, resting his elbows on the top rung of fencing. “Feel alright today?”

“Mm,” Donghyuck hummed quietly, “better. I’m sorry for running out like that.”

“I understand.”

Donghyuck nodded. He returned his attention to Cinnamon, pursing his lips to make quiet kissing sounds as he stroked his long, nimble fingers down her forehead.

Renjun steeled himself, and took a deep breath. “Donghyuck.”

The man turned his head, his brows raised. 

“Let’s be friends,” Renjun said. 

Donghyuck raised a hand to his face, rubbing his knuckles over his lips. It was a sorry attempt at hiding his smile. “Alright, Renjun. I would like that. Let’s be friends.”

Painted white, the church was just a small building in the center of town, but it stood tall, the foundation of town life. All the biggest events happened there -- weddings, memorials, holiday parties. 

For an after-church picnic, however, the congregation walked together down the road to the corner of the Kims’ property, just through the orchard. This late in the year, it was daring to host any occasion outdoors, but the sun was especially bright, the sky clear.

Renjun tried not to scuff his shoes through the dirt as he walked alongside Donghyuck. He never minded his own clothes with special attention, but Donghyuck’s clean white shirt and neatly hemmed trousers demanded that Renjun stand up a little straighter as he walked beside him.

Donghyuck rolled up his sleeves as they walked, looking all around them at the rest of the congregations. His curiosity was matched well by the town, who averted their eyes quickly before he could catch them at their inspection. 

Renjun, too, tried not to stare too much. He failed.

“It’s still warm out, isn’t it?”

Renjun wondered if he would always be so surprised by Donghyuck’s voice. Whenever he opened his mouth, the sound swept over Renjun like a summer breeze. 

Renjun nodded. It was warm, more so now that Donghyuck was looking at him.

“Strange for autumn,” Donghyuck continued.

“Yes,” Renjun said. He pushed his hair back where it had fallen to his forehead, sticking to his sweat, and adjusted his hat. 

As he ducked his head, the wide brim kept Donghyuck’s face from sight, but he could still see his hands. He watched Donghyuck fold his sleeves neatly to his elbow.

“I haven’t seen your friends,” Donghyuck said. “I thought…”

“They’ll be setting up lunch.”

“Ah.”

Renjun cleared his throat. He raised his head, squinting at the hats of the ladies walking in front of them -- a pair of alpha sisters, their scents deep and heady under the rising noon sun.

“Were you hoping to see them?”

In the corner of his eye, Donghyuck tilted his head toward him and then -- there, that flash of a smile, so quick Renjun could barely believe he’d seen it. 

“They were nice. I wouldn’t mind meeting them again.”

It hadn’t taken much to convince Donghyuck to accompany him to church. Renjun didn’t think he was particularly religious. Donghyuck hadn’t even bowed his head to pray over their meals. 

“Jaemin?” Renjun guessed, lowering his voice. “He’s a good alpha. He’s not like others.”

“Oh? He seems quite nice. Talkative, too,” Donghyuck murmured. There, too, warm amusement slid into his words. 

Renjun felt off balance, unsure if he should take offense. “Are you making fun of me?”

Donghyuck stopped. Renjun almost didn’t realize, continuing on a few steps before pausing. 

Donghyuck’s eyes were wide. He clasped his hands together, fingers twisting as he worried them. “No, I-- I’m not laughing at you, Renjun.”

The warm breeze fanned Donghyuck’s hair away from his temples. His eyes shone despite the sun washing out everything, fading their surroundings. 

The longer Renjun looked, the pinker Donghyuck’s cheeks flushed. He bit down on his lower lip, white teeth sinking deeply into his flesh. 

Renjun tried to blink away the vision of Donghyuck before him, hoping it would be replaced by a lesser version, one who looked more human than angel, but he remained the same.

“Alright,” Renjun said finally, turning back toward the procession of townsfolk. “It’s fine if you were.”

His breath caught as Donghyuck’s fingers slipped over his wrist. Although brief, the touch seared his skin like a brand. 

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck said. “Tell me more about Jaemin. He must be important to you.”

In fact, Renjun did not want to talk anymore about Jaemin. Donghyuck’s curiosity only made Renjun think that Jaemin had a very punchable face, and that perhaps he wasn’t so nice of an alpha after all.

Instead of voicing this, Renjun continued walking. Donghyuck fell into step beside him, matching his stride.

The orchard was the largest in the county. The trees were tall, wide, and always bountiful. Just past the gate, the air became fragrant, sweet. 

They crossed under the shade of the white pear trees, the fruit hanging heavy from their branches. 

Donghyuck said, “It’s beautiful.”

Renjun nodded. He didn’t know where Donghyuck was from, but his background was not agricultural, judging by the way he looked around with open curiosity at everything, here and at the ranch.

Renjun reached to pluck a ripe pear from a low hanging branch, offering it to Donghyuck, who took it with eager hands.

“Is it okay, to do that?”

“It’s fine,” Renjun murmured, “this is all Jungwoo Kim’s land. He’s... you’ll meet him. But he won’t miss one or two.”

Donghyuck hesitated a moment, but the pull of the sweet fruit was too strong to resist. He lifted the pear to his mouth, sinking his teeth into its soft flesh. Juice dripped down his pink lips, over his chin. He wiped his mouth with his wrist.

Renjun’s heart pounded. He tore his gaze away.

“It’s so peaceful here,” Donghyuck commented after a few more bites. “So quiet.”

“I suppose so,” Renjun said, “we don’t get a lot of excitement. You might be the most interesting person to show up in a long time.”

“Who was the last?”

Renjun sighed as they approached the end of their walk. From here, he could already see the spread of blankets and food, the children running together through the trees. 

At the end of the path, Jungwoo Kim stood shaking hands with the owner of the general store. 

Jungwoo held his white Stetson over his heart as he nodded along to the other man’s chatter, his smile as polite as always. Around his neck, an expensive-looking bolo tie glinted in the sun.

Jungwoo was most definitely the most interesting neighbor they had ever had. Even Donghyuck paled in comparison.

Jungwoo Kim had never disrespected Renjun or any of his friends on account of their rank. He always had a smile for them, always offered them a ride home and a strong drink. But, he was rather eccentric.

“This must be our new neighbor,” Jungwoo said as they came closer, his attention set on Donghyuck. Eyes sparkling, Jungwoo bowed low, prompting a quiet laugh from the man by Renjun’s side.

“So unnecessary,” Donghyuck said, but the bright shine in his eyes matched Jungwoo’s as the wealthy man straightened. Donghyuck extended his hand to Jungwoo, who clasped it between both of his own.

“I heard you were handsome, Donghyuck, but the gossip didn’t do you justice. Ah, may I call you Donghyuck?” 

Donghyuck grinned. Teeth sharp, his smile held an edge Renjun had not yet witnessed, that sent a rush of cold down his spine.

“Absolutely,” Donghyuck said. “I always appreciate familiarness with new friends.”

The emphasis on ‘friends’ must have been Renjun’s imagination. Still, there was something unspoken hanging in the air here, which clouded even Jungwoo’s domineering pheromones. 

Renjun curled his hand over Donghyuck’s forearm. He realized that it was one of the first times he had touched him since they first met.. “Are you hungry?”

Donghyuck pulled his hand from Jungwoo’s grasp, laying his fingers lightly over Renjun’s. “Starving.”

Renjun led him away. 

“He’s tall,” Donghyuck commented, “skinny, though…”

Renjun chose to pretend he couldn’t hear his own heart pounding, tried to ignore the lump in his throat when Donghyuck let go to make a plate for himself, and decided not to think about it ever again. 

  
  


They parted ways to socialize, and Renjun decided not to stare after Donghyuck like some lovelorn fool. It would be stupid to get swept up in Donghyuck’s salt-tinged woody scent and forget himself.

Instead, he wandered over to speak to Mark, finding him surrounded by a small crowd of schoolchildren. The tiny faces looked up at their teacher in adoration, their eyes wide in awe. They were still young and unbothered, their greedy ears clinging to every word that passed from their teacher’s mouth.

“Do you mind if I steal Mr. Lee away?” Renjun asked as he sidled up beside Mark.

Luckily, they had all been taught decent manners, letting Renjun pull away the object of their devotion without too much whining protest.

“Thank you for saving me,” Mark murmured, his footsteps quick with his gratefulness. 

It was more like he had tugged Renjun aside in the end, glad to be away from the unending waves of questions on his day off.

“Thank _you_ for keeping me company,” Renjun said. “If Jaemin finds me alone he might try to make a scene and propose again.”

They both rolled their eyes at the idea, although fond smiles touched their lips at the thought of their dramatic friend.

“He’s busy harassing other people today,” Mark shared, lowering his voice to fill him in on the newest gossip.

Renjun lost himself in the thrill of the newest town non-secrets for a while, but his attention eventually drifted. 

He looked around for his houseguest, wondering who he had found company in. 

While Renjun had spoken with Mark, Jungwoo had leaned in close to Donghyuck, whose back rested against one of the many fruit trees. Their heads bowed in hushed conversation.

Renjun jerked his head in the direction of the pair. “What are they talking about over there?”

Mark followed his line of sight. His expression hardened. “They’re awfully...close.”

“Maybe I should…” Renjun trailed off, biting down on the inside of his cheeks as he watched Donghyuck tilt his head back against the tree, mouth open wide in laughter.

The shock of cold water down Renjun’s chest brought him back to reality.

“Mark,” Renjun hissed, pinching his soaked shirt away from his skin, “what the--”

“Don’t swear, we’re at a church function,” Mark said calmly, turning his now empty cup in his hands. “So sorry. You should go home and get changed before you catch a cold.”

“Well, it’s just water,” Renjun grumbled.

Mark hummed. “Take Donghyuck with you.”

It was not a request.

“Out of the goodness of my heart,” Renjun said, “I will let you get Mr. Kim alone.”

Mark stammered out a protest, but Renjun had already turned away, slipping through their neighbors to approach his houseguest across the orchard. 

Later, Renjun would wonder what prompted him to sneak around the trees. He sent up a silent prayer to any higher power listening for Donghyuck and Jungwoo not to notice him as he crept in closer.

“...Everyone’s always loved him. But we all gave up on courtship ages ago,” Jungwoo said, laughing between words. “He’s not exactly easy to get to know.”

“Right,” Donghyuck said, “but…”

“Besides,” Jungwoo continued, undeterred, “he’s been engaged for years. It makes you wonder, what’s keeping his fiance away, doesn’t it?”

Renjun’s couldn’t stand there and listen a moment more. He walked back in the direction he’d come from a few steps before turning again, making sure his footfalls were loud.

“Donghyuck?” He called. “Are you busy?”

Donghyuck’s smile fell as he noticed him. 

Jungwoolooked decidedly unashamed at being caught speaking about someone else. Shamelessness, after all, seemed to be a bred characteristic for wealthy, educated alphas. He probably couldn’t help it.

Renjun plucked his damp shirt away from his chest again. “I’m heading home now. Mark spilled...anyway, I wondered if you were ready to leave, or has Mr. Kim offered to accompany you home?”

Donghyuck opened his mouth, but Jungwoo cut him off, smiling wide and easy.

“Donghyuck seems perfectly capable, he doesn’t need me around to keep him company. Anyway, we’ll catch up soon, won’t we?” Jungwoo asked.

Donghyuck nodded. 

“Great,” Jungwoo hummed, already starting back toward the picnic. “Mark’s still here? He’s so clumsy…”

Renjun steadied himself to meet Donghyuck’s attentive gaze. When he looked at him, however, he found the other man staring down at Renjun’s chest.

“It’s just water,” Renjun said again. 

Donghyuck blinked, stirred from his thoughts. “What?”

“Nothing. Shall we go?”

“Of course,” Donghyuck said, “you need to get dry before you catch cold.”

Renjun suppressed the urge to scoff. All his friends were the same, even this new one.

They left the picnic without saying goodbye to anyone, each walking with their eyes on the ground in front of him. 

It wasn’t a very long walk back to the ranch from Jungwoo’s estate, but there was enough distance to make the silence stretch out indefinitely before them.

“So--”

“What--”

They glanced at each other, smiling, and Renjun shook his head. “You go ahead first.”

“No, it’s alright,” Donghyuck said, tucking a strand of his hair behind his ear, a movement that recalled images of shy schoolboy crushes, “I’d like to know what’s on your mind.”

“I just wondered...what were you and Jungwoo talking about?”

“Oh.”

Renjun cursed internally. “Sorry-- you don’t have to tell me. I don’t mean to pry, I’m just curious.”

“We were speaking about you, actually.”

Renjun assumed that already, based on what little he heard, but it still made heat crawl up the back of his neck. “Me?”

Donghyuck clasped his hands behind his back, his head tall, facing straight ahead. “I’m sorry. I hope you don’t take offense to that.”

“I suppose it depends what he told you.”

“He thinks highly of you.”

Jungwoo’s opinion of Renjun had never troubled him. He assumed he didn’t care much what other people thought, but this conversation felt like walking on broken glass. He knew when he was being dismissed.

“That’s good to know,” Renjun said, “maybe I can ask him for a ride in his fancy car someday. Or a loan the next time we need to fix the barn...what do you think?”

Donghyuck chuckled. “He’d probably give it to you without asking any questions.”

“Now that sounds a little inappropriate,” Renjun tsked, “I’m not inviting any propositions.”

“Mr. Kim isn’t interested in you.”

The matter of factness threw Renjun off guard. The toe of his boot dug into the dirt as he stumbled, missing a step. He caught himself before taking an embarrassing tumble. “Well. We’re not quite the same social status, truthfully. But I don’t think--”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Donghyuck corrected quickly. “He’s just interested in someone else.”

 _You?_ Renjun wondered. Was Donghyuck capable of catching someone’s attention so quickly?

“What else did you talk about?” Renjun asked before his thoughts could wander.

“Your long engagement,” Donghyuck said. His voice pitched higher than usual, words purposefully airy, and that only made them feel coarser. 

Renjun sucked in his cheeks, ducking his head again. 

It was a touchy, private subject, which Renjun did not speak of, ever. Not even with Mark, and definitely not with Jaemin.

But Donghyuck wouldn’t be here forever, so who cared which of Renjun’s secrets he knew?

“I’m a sorry omega, aren’t I?” Renjun murmured. “Not being married or mated yet, living alone, working so much…”

Donghyuck’s breath hitched, the sound of his sharp inhale nearly imperceptible over the nature around them, the scuff of their shoes on the road. “It doesn’t affect me what sort of omega you are.”

“Well, by association…”

“Please. You must think so poorly of me if you think I am hung up on any of these strict standards or beliefs or what we should be like,” Donghyuck paused, glancing sideways at Renjun. “You know, when you offered to be friends, I thought... _yes, this makes sense.”_

Renjun snorted, disbelieving. “Why?”

“We’re the same, aren’t we? I think we are,” Donghyuck said, “I’m a good judge of character, usually.”

 _The same?_ They couldn’t possibly be. 

“I’m not really engaged,” Renjun murmured. “My brother started telling people that I’m supposed to marry someone he works with on the coast.”

Donghyuck waited for him to continue. For a moment, it was all Renjun could do to blink back the burn in his eyes. It was stupid, really, to get upset over something he should have already grown used after presenting, but it was just so unfair he could hardly breathe sometimes.

“Alphas here may not be the same as you’ve met before,” Renjun started. He hesitated, unsure if Donghyuck really wanted to hear all this.

Donghyuck’s hand came into view as he pushed the brim of Renjun’s hat up with his knuckles. 

Renjun found that his face wore no disgust at Renjun’s lie or apathy at his words. Instead, there was only open interest, Donghyuck’s eyes fixed on him.

Donghyuck dropped his hand again, continuing to wait for him in silence.

Renjun cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck. “Uhm. Well. A lot of the alphas around here aren’t as respectful as Jaemin and Jungwoo. They’re very traditional. They’re pushy. And no one understands that...maybe getting married isn’t all that an omega wants to do. I like my life.”

“It’s a nice life,” Donghyuck murmured.

“Yes,” Renjun said, “it is. So, Sicheng started telling everyone that I was engaged, to some banker or something. And they all left me alone.”

They continued down the road in quiet again, each of them lost in their thoughts -- or, at least, Renjun was cycling through his own, going over his words to search for the weakness in them, hoping Donghyuck couldn’t see what he felt was so obvious and ugly.

Before they reached the house, Donghyuck stopped and turned his body to face Renjun.

Renjun mirrored him, looking up into his pleasant face, which had grown grim, even under the bright afternoon sunlight.

“We’ve been taught all our lives that being good meant giving up what we want,” Donghyuck said. He reached out, and took Renjun’s hand in his, squeezing his fingers gently. “Renjun. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to be good.”

He let go of Renjun’s hand again, and walked into the house. 

Renjun watched him walk away; his broad shoulders, the confident tilt of his chin, the slight favoring of one leg over the other. 

The world had beaten down men like Donghyuck before, but he was still standing. 

_If there_ is _anyone good in the world,_ Renjun thought, _it’s him._

Maybe he could be good, too.

  
  


Life went on. The days grew shorter. Renjun eyed the calendar as he pondered a reply to Sicheng’s most recent letter, counting the days in the coming weeks. 

There was a lot of work to do before the fall calving season was over, but that wasn’t the only reason Renjun had to keep track of time. Soon, his heat would hit, and he wasn’t sure how that would work in this house, where he was no longer alone. 

Renjun twisted in his seat to face Donghyuck, who was stoking the fire, crouched on his knees.

Renjun called his name to get his attention, and was struck by Donghyuck's face in the low, warm light of the fire. Only one side of his face was lit, the fire hazy orange and flickering in his eyes. 

"Yes?" Donghyuck asked. "Do you need me to get you more paper?"

"Oh, no," Renjun murmured, "I have enough. Actually, I wanted to tell you that I may be leaving for a few days."

Donghyuck frowned. "Leaving? Where?"

"Uhm. It's the fall now and some of the cows may be giving birth. I need to check on them and move the herd, make sure the fences are all still up," Renjun explained, trying not to overcomplicate things. He knew Donghyuck didn't have much experience living or working on a ranch, but he understood enough about the calving season that Renjun didn't have to delve into specifics. "I'll be gone two days. Possibly three, but that's only if there's an issue or the weather is bad."

Donghyuck cast a glance at the window, as if such offending weather could be glared away. "You mean, if it storms, you'll stay out there? By yourself?"

"I'll be fine," Renjun said. He offered him a small smile. Donghyuck looked doubtful, but his shoulders relaxed. 

"You'll be careful?"

"I always am," Renjun said.

Donghyuck turned back to the fire, but his frown remained.

"Will you be alright?" Renjun asked after a moment.

"I'm used to being alone," Donghyuck said stiffly. "I can take care of myself."

"I don't doubt it," Renjun murmured. "But if you're lonely, you can ask someone to come stay with you."

The irony of the situation rang in Renjun's ears. Not for the first time, the words he spoke sounded a lot like his older brother's. Now, maybe, he could understand what it was like to really worry for another person. The only difference was that his concern had little to do with Donghyuck's status. 

Instead, Renjun imagined Donghyuck sitting alone in this big house, the wind rushing outside, and thought he might be sad without someone to talk to or share a meal with. A smaller, darker part of his brain also imagined a scene where some vagrant passed through town and wound up at the ranch, finding Donghyuck alone and vulnerable.

Donghyuck shook his head. "I have some things to take care of, so I was thinking of going into town soon, anyway. I can just ask Mark if I can stay one night with him."

"Oh," Renjun said, "good. At least you won't miss the company, then."

Donghyuck hummed, sitting back once the fire was built up to his satisfaction. "I will miss you, though. Don't take too long, please."

Renjun's mouth went dry. All he could do was nod and turn back to his desk, his hands curled into fists on its surface. "I'll be as quick as I can." 

It would be good to have some time alone, time for reflection. Renjun had taken for granted the time he had at the ranch in between Sicheng and Donghyuck, not that either of them had negatively affected his life.

Still, Renjun prized his time to think.

He rode out early in the morning, long before Donghyuck usually rose from bed. As he started through the field, Cherry swaying under him, he chanced a look back toward the house, just one. 

It must have been too dark still. He must have still been asleep and dreaming, despite the grounded feeling of the horse between his thighs. Because for a moment, he thought he saw Donghyuck standing on the porch, Renjun's mother's quilt drawn tight around his shoulders, his bare feet on the old wood, watching him go. But it must have just been a dream.

The sun broke over the horizon before Renjun found the herd. He wiped his sweat from his brow, rolled his shoulders back, and rode on, over the rises and dips of the landscape, through the tall grass that had dried brown in the summer sun and now trampled dead under Cherry’s hooves. 

As beautiful as the ride was, and as much as Renjun treasured his time alone, the creeping sensation of his heat washed over his stomach and thighs, only exacerbating the soreness in his muscles from riding for the first time in a few days. 

He should have been used to this feeling by now, had taken care of himself enough times that this was old news and could be fixed with the ease of practice, but his mind kept drifting over the hills, back home.

 _What was Donghyuck doing?_ He thought as he stopped to eat and take a short nap under the sun. 

His back screamed as he lay on the hard ground. His heat demanded comfort. In true stubborn fashion, Renjun would refuse to give the deep part of himself what it always wanted. 

He tilted his Stetson over his face to block out the bright sun, and wondered if Donghyuck, too, was taking a nap, or if he had already started the walk to town. Maybe he took the other horse? He had taken a liking to Cinnamon. Donghyuck might be enjoying the same refreshing ride and time alone. Or maybe he was curled up on his bed after all. Maybe he was reading one of Sicheng's old books from school. 

Renjun imagined that Donghyuck was happy, and comfortable, and the thought eased him into sleep.

He slept too long, after all, too comfortable on the cool ground with the air rushing over him. 

"Damn it," Renjun sighed as he mounted the saddle once more, his stomach rolling with the motion of the horse underneath him as he directed Cherry toward the herd again. 

The sun was dipping low when Renjun found the cattle. He checked them over briefly, taking care to note the moods of the pregnant heifers, and set up his camp for the night. 

Sweat collected on his upper lip as he ignored the rolling tides of his hormones. His head had started to throb as he set up the tent. When it was time to crawl inside the confines of the canvas tent, Renjun sent up a silent thanks that his day was coming to an end and that the night would begin.

Under the moon, Renjun allowed himself to breathe again.

It was only a task if Renjun allowed himself to think of it as one. Usually, that was the case. It was a time in his life that had to be dealt with, just another chore to check off the list. He had had little to think about as his mind drifted around in a haze of his heat, no image to bring into focus as his hands crept past the hem of his Levi's. 

But tonight, in the dark, with only the sounds of the night and his own breath around him, Renjun lay back and could not push away the image waiting behind his eyelids.

His skin tingled under his clothes. Everything touching him felt like too much and not enough -- as he shed his clothes, the world fell away, and it was him and his own hands, and in his wildest dreams, Donghyuck reached out and touched him. 

"Hyuck," Renjun said quietly, his breath puffing over his lips. 

He rolled onto his stomach, bunching his discarded shirt under his hips so that he could have something warm to rub up against. When he reached around to slide his fingers over his hole, he found he was already wet with slick, his body opening easily under his hand as he thought about Donghyuck's warm skin, the cut of his gaze, how his hair fell over his face when he bent over the sink to splash water on his face -- water, dripping over the curve of his cheeks, over his jaw, down, down, slipping down his neck to his chest. 

Renjun sighed quietly, too used to having to muffle his own moans, even alone in the house, too ashamed to allow his own pleasure to take precedence over his propriety. But he was in the wilderness now -- he could let go.

Renjun rut his hips down against the bundled shirt, seeking friction as he fucked himself on his own fingers. It wasn't enough -- it was never enough. If he was honest, he had never felt satisfied with the rote repetition of masturbation when his body grew hot and aching like this. 

Was it the same for everyone? Did everyone else feel this unfulfilled, searching? Or did they know how to take care of themselves -- or others? Had Donghyuck ever fucked someone before?

_Had Donghyuck ever been fucked?_

Renjun groaned, his voice piercing the still air. The inside of the tent had grown stuffy and hot, but Renjun couldn't think about anything but the fire licking his skin, Donghyuck's firm thighs, his unceasing movement, Donghyuck's fingers inside him, pressing, searching, Renjun's cock in--

The first time, Renjun came quietly, overridden with too many ideas to focus on a singular thought, his fantasies crawling out of all the corners and cracks he had stuffed them, hidden away from himself. 

Was this what it was like to be free? Was this wildness, the racing of his heart, the first honest thing Renjun had felt?

He fell back against his sleeping bag. The fabric still rubbed against his sensitive skin, but it wasn't as painful as it had been moments before. 

There was clarity now, in the hours ahead of him.

Renjun closed his eyes, wrapping his hand around his cock, palm wet with his own slick, and let himself be honest.

For two days Renjun devoted his attention to the cattle. His responsibilities were first on his mind. His family's ranch was always his priority. But at night, he gave himself over to his dreams, and they were all of Donghyuck.

The weather turned on the last night of his trip. The wind grew angry and beat against the tent, threatening to pull the roof from over Renjun's head. He dreamed about raking red lines over Donghyuck's flesh and tasting his salty-sweetness as he lapped his tongue over his neck. 

Renjun dreamed and dreamed, and then it passed, leaving him weak and exhausted under a warring night, the cattle unsettled in the field around him. 

He felt like he should be ashamed, guilty, perhaps, but all that was left was a hollowness in his chest and the knowledge that dreams were fleeting, always gone by sunrise.

And the sun rose. 

Renjun's shoulder hunched as he rode Cherry back to the ranch, his head heavy on his neck. The wind was still quick around him -- the tall grass rustled as he passed, the trees swaying. 

As Cherry trotted toward the barn, Renjun took in the sight of home. He was relieved to see it. This trip had been tiring, as it always was, but he ached more than usual. 

Despite the long ride home, the mountains looming around him like powerful, mythical guardians, the emptiness in Renjun's chest remained.

He pulled Cherry to a stop just at the top of the hill, clicking his tongue behind his teeth.

Donghyuck stretched his arms high as he pulled a blanket down from the clothesline. Around him, the stark white sheets billowed in the wind, so Renjun could only catch glimpses of him -- his dark hair, the sturdy bulk of his shoulders, the narrow curve of his waist as he twisted around to place the folded laundry in the woven basket again, now clean. 

He looked peaceful, his cheeks rosy, a healthy glow about him that spoke of rest and happiness. He was nothing like the man who had trudged up to Renjun's home so many weeks ago. That man was gone, the heavy bags under his eyes erased, the gaunt dip of his cheeks filled out.

Renjun looked at him, and looked, and looked...and knew he would never be satiated. He would always want to look more, in vain attempts to fill the hollow cave that he now knew resided in his chest. Donghyuck was all that could fill that cavern inside him. 

Renjun blinked the dust from his eyes, pretending that they didn't burn.

Donghyuck looked up finally, caught his eye, and smiled. He raised both hands in an eager wave. 

All Renjun could do was smile back.

“A dinner party?”

Donghyuck hummed, heating up dinner on the stove. “Mark told me when I was in town. He said Jungwoo likes to celebrate the harvest season.”

Renjun had never heard of this. “Must be a new whim.”

“Whatever the case,” Donghyuck said, “it’ll be fun, won’t it? Getting dressed up, having a celebration… Mark said he’s only inviting a few people.”

Renjun had to steer his mind away from the idea of Donghyuck in a dark suit, drinking brandy in the parlor of Jungwoo’s grand house.

“Sounds like fun,” Renjun murmured, rising from his seat to set the table.

“I hope Jungwoo grows some balls,” Donghyuck said, so casually that it caused Renjun to choke on his own laughter.

“What for?”

“He needs to start courting Mark already,” Donghyuck said with exasperation. “How long have they known each other? Jungwoo gets absolutely moony around him.”

“It won’t work out like that,” Renjun said. It was obvious, wasn’t it? “Jungwoo’s supposed to marry an omega and have lots of wild kids to run around that big house and inherit all his money.”

Donghyuck gave him a strange look. Renjun had not seen this expression on his face before, this troubled furrow of his brows, the way he sucked his lips between his teeth as he checked the contents of the pot on the stove.

“What is it?” Renjun asked.

“Do you really think that’s all there is to life?”

Renjun set their plates on the table and sat again. As he leaned back in his chair, he crossed his arms over his chest, surveying Donghyuck. “That’s what his family expects of him.”

“It’s his life,” Donghyuck said. “He should do what makes him happy.”

“You think he can be happy with someone he can’t have children with? Everyone would look down on him.”

“Happiness isn’t about everyone,” Donghyuck said, his voice faltering lower. “In a relationship, it’s about you and your partner. They really care for each other, Renjun, how can you say all this? Would you look down on them?”

Renjun had been scolded before, but Donghyuck’s voice was a hot knife on his skin. Lowering his gaze to the empty plate before him, Renjun shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t.”

Donghyuck waited for him to continue, but Renjun’s mouth had gone dry and all his words along with it. 

Softly, Donghyuck said, “I’ve seen people who aren’t compatible in the eyes of society be happy together. Alphas, betas...omegas...it didn’t matter what someone was, just who they were inside, who they loved. With love, it all comes together.”

“Is that what it’s like, in the city, then?” Renjun asked. Sicheng had never spoken of anything like this. Renjun wondered if it was because his brother knew how dangerous the idea was to a man like Renjun, who felt all the wrong things.

“People are a little more open-minded there,” Donghyuck said, “but really it was during the war that I learned there’s more than one way to have a family.”

Renjun’s ears tingled. Donghyuck rarely spoke of the war, had only commented on it in passing, though he carried it every day in his slight limp, the favoring of his right wrist, the scars that littered his body. He was perfect, Renjun thought, but he stood before him as a man much different than the boy that had existed before the bloody, bloody war.

“There was so much death, so much hate,” Donghyuck said. 

So, Renjun heard between his words, they found balance in love. 

Renjun raised his glass and took a long sip of water. Pressuring Donghyuck with fast questions would only cause him to close himself away again, blocking Renjun from his honest self within the blink of an eye.

“Have you been in love before?” Renjun asked.

Donghyuck could have answered in any way -- school crushes or childhood sweethearts. He was not confined to love in the trenches. 

To Renjun’s surprise, Donghyuck smiled. He carried the food from the stove to the table, and sat across from him, folding his hands in his lap as he met Renjun’s curious gaze.

“I have,” Donghyuck said, “he was...really beautiful. We were too young to understand what could happen to us, but what we had...I wouldn’t trade it.”

Oh. Donghyuck had loved before. Renjun looked away before Donghyuck could catch the sudden wetness in his eyes.

“You sound like you’re a hundred years old, Donghyuck,” Renjun murmured.

Donghyuck laughed. “It feels like it was a hundred years ago.”

“Where is he now?”

“Dead,” Donghyuck said.

Finality. A closed door. He was gone, and yet Donghyuck was still here, breathing, rosy cheeked and ladling stew into his bowl. 

Maybe after love there was survival.

Maybe after Donghyuck had gone, Renjun would be able to live with the memory of a beautiful, shining man, and imagine that he would not trade it for a thing. 

But the darkest parts of Renjun knew that it would be a lie. Renjun would trade it all, for just one chance to hold Donghyuck in his arms, and hear him say that he loved him, too.

  
  


Renjun waited in the front hall, by the door. Every few seconds, he reached up, smoothing his hair back, as if it would make him look any less unruly. His hair had a mind of its own, and he had never taken much to styling it, even for the big town Christmas parties. But this night was different. There was the taste of anticipation on his tongue that he couldn't expel. 

"Are you ready?" He called as the minutes dragged on. He cringed at his own shaking voice.

"Just a moment!" Donghyuck called from the second floor. His assurance came quickly, his words followed by thumping feet on the stairs as he hurried down.

Renjun's mouth went dry as he took in the man in front of him.

"What do you think?" Donghyuck asked, turning on his heel to give Renjun the full impression. "I was worried it wouldn't fit... I think I may have put on weight since I started living with you..."

When Donghyuck asked to borrow clothes for the party, Renjun had been at somewhat of a loss. His own clothes wouldn't fit Donghyuck well, their height and slight size difference being just enough to make it impossible for Donghyuck to squeeze into any nice outfit that Renjun owned.

But Sicheng was a little taller, and Donghyuck filled out one of his older suits quite well. The blazer looked a hair too tight, stretching over Donghyuck's shoulders, but Renjun couldn't lie. He looked good. 

"Yeah, great," Renjun said. He ran his hands through his hair again and Donghyuck tutted, stepping in close to bat his hands away.

Renjun held his breath as Donghyuck fiddled with his hair, his long fingers combing through the strands. 

Despite Renjun's best efforts, he could still smell Donghyuck's pheromones in heavy waves, settling over them both. He wondered how he smelled to Donghyuck, and if it was possible that he was just as intoxicating.

Renjun shook the thought from his mind and stepped back, abrupt. "We're going to be late."

If Donghyuck noticed his shift in mood, it didn't faze him. He just smiled, letting his hands fall back to his sides. "You have so much to learn about parties, Renjun. Only boring people are early."

  
  


"Where have you been?" Mark hissed as he intercepted Renjun at Jungwoo's front door. "I've been here an hour... _alone.”_

"What?" Renjun asked, already distracted by the sparkling chandelier hanging above them. In the entryway of all places...just how foolish was Jungwoo Kim with his money? He could at least hang it in the dining room, where it could be seen more frequently. 

Mark tugged on Renjun's arm, his grip tight. "I've been alone with him for an _hour,_ Renjun. Why weren't you here earlier?"

"We...I was...Donghyuck-- where's Jaemin?" Renjun asked instead of answering.

Though they hadn't been up to anything _interesting,_ something about the domesticity of waiting for the other omega to finish preening himself for a dinner party with friends made Renjun want to gloss over the answer. 

"Sorry about that," Donghyuck hummed as he took up the spot at Mark's other side, patting the teacher's shoulder, "we had to round up some of the cows that escaped."

Mark blinked at him, simultaneously unimpressed and willing to believe any word that passed over Donghyuck's pink lips. "Escaped…? Well. I'm glad you're here now, anyway. He's..."

Donghyuck's eyes, bright and sparkling in the orange glow of Jungwoo's expensive lights, fixed on Mark. "What? How does he look? I bet he's wearing a nice suit, isn't he?"

Renjun frowned. He knew what Donghyuck was up to, but he didn't like hearing the thrill in Donghyuck's voice when imagining what their alpha friend was wearing.

“He looks very handsome,” Mark admitted after a long, hushed moment.

Donghyuck grinned, rocking up on his toes, as if the excitement couldn’t be contained inside himself. “And you look very handsome, too, Mark. Are those new shoes?”

Mark bit his lip. “Do they look too new? Is it obvious?”

“Nothing’s bad about an obvious effort,” Donghyuck assured. 

Mark let go of Renjun as Donghyuck led him away into the parlor, following the sound of clinking glasses and quiet music. 

Donghyuck dipped his head close to Mark’s ear as they walked, murmuring something soft that broke Mark’s unease, pulling a laugh out of him.

That taste was still on Renjun’s tongue as he watched them, enraptured by the way Donghyuck moved, always the center of his attention without even needing to ask -- the wild, creeping sensation that tonight there was a shift in the air, and the universe would answer a question that no one knew they had asked.

Dinner was delightful, as expected, and was followed by drinks.

Jungwoo, characteristic of his alpha nature, was a bit of a show off, and was quick to offer to play them all a song on the elegant piano in the parlor.

“How could we say no?” Donghyuck asked, eyes sparkling.

The rest agreed.

Jungwoo flexed his hands, putting on more of a show in preparing to play than he was likely to do once his fingers had touched the keys.

"Get on with it, already!" Jaemin groaned, downing the rest of his drink.

Jungwoo grinned. Finally, he began to play, a gentle melody that swept over them with warmth to rival the strong drinks they had been served all night.

Renjun watched the ease with which Jungwoo lost himself into the music. None of them could disregard, however, the sneaking glances shot Mark's way, the careful tilt of Jungwoo's head as he waited for the beta's reaction.

Mark gripped his drink with both hands, standing stock-still by the bookshelves. When his and Jungwoo's eyes met, pink crawled up his neck, but he didn't look away. He was captured in Jungwoo's gaze, basking in his simple attention.

Renjun knew the feeling.

Beside him, Donghyuck stood up, startling Renjun from his thoughts, but it wasn't this movement that set his heart racing.

Donghyuck smiled as he looked down at him, and extended his hand. "Let's make this a real party. Dance with me."

Renjun swallowed hard. "No one else is dancing."

It was a foolish attempt at refusal, though he already knew that he could not refuse Donghyuck much of anything. Donghyuck didn't pull his hand back, and Renjun was helpless but to slip his fingers over Donghyuck's palm, clasping their hands together, and stand.

Jaemin, at least, was all for the idea of dancing. Pouring himself another drink in the corner of the room, he cheered them on as Donghyuck swept Renjun to the open space between the piano and the bookshelves.

Donghyuck's hand fit just in the curve of Renjun's waist, his fingers pressed into Renjun's back with firmness that spoke of his steady nature, that confidence that Donghyuck's endearing sort of swagger rested on. 

Renjun looked up at Donghyuck's face as they swayed slowly. He placed his free hand on Donghyuck's shoulder, hesitant to leave even an ounce of pressure, terrified that it might give him away.

Renjun didn't know much about dancing, but he leaned into the music, letting Donghyuck lead. 

Donghyuck pulled him closer, so their chests pressed together. Renjun turned his head so he wouldn't have to look at him any longer. Donghyuck's lips brushed against his temple as he spoke, voice low.

"Your heart's racing."

Renjun couldn't deny it. Under Donghyuck's touch, his pulse was frenetic. "Maybe I've had too much to drink."

Donghyuck chuckled. The reverberations of his laugh shuddered down Renjun's spine. "I don't think that's what it’s supposed to do. Maybe you've had too little."

Renjun could have gotten drunk on Donghyuck's voice alone. He closed his eyes, letting his head fall to Donghyuck's shoulder, and trusted him to guide him out of harm's way as they danced, Jungwoo's song tickling his ears while Donghyuck's breath puffed over his hair. 

For a moment, there, it was just the two of them, and he could block out the eyes of the others in the room -- his friends, who he knew, hypothetically, would not ever judge him or call him names, but who he had lied to already. 

This lie, his fake engagement, he knew, was what allowed him to be held by Donghyuck in front of other people, who could not understand how his rabbit heart beat. His lies allowed him to dance.

It ended too soon, Jungwoo finishing his song with a flourish. Mark laughed and clapped his hands, and Donghyuck spun Renjun out, dipping him low before pulling him up again. 

A joke, more laughter, the truth hanging off the edges of Renjun's teeth. He felt Jaemin's eyes on him and could not meet them. Maybe someone here could understand how he felt, after all, but he realized he did not want to face them. So he poured another drink, and looked away, willing his poor rabbit's heart to still.

  
  


One drink became several, and despite dinner, Renjun’s soberness faded, along with his ability to hold his tongue, much to his friend’s chagrin.

He had sat by the phonograph on a plush loveseat while observing his friends. 

Each dance partner Donghyuck took warranted another drink, as they all convinced Jungwoo to continue playing, until Donghyuck pulled him up off the piano bench, too. 

Jaemin took their host’s place, playing a short, raucous piece that made Renjun cringe and prompted loud, head tilting laughter from Jungwoo. Even Mark giggled behind his hand, pretending he wasn’t watching as Donghyuck pushed Jungwoo through a series of complicated little steps to the song Jaemin played.

“You’re horrible at the piano,” Donghyuck laughed, letting Jungwoo go to sip his glass of water.

Jungwoo stumbled a little, catching his breath as he picked up his glass of brandy. 

“Oh, I’m decent enough... I’m not impressing you?” Jaemin hummed, shooting a wink at Donghyuck before he could even open his mouth to respond. 

“Jaemin,” Renjun cut in, “has anyone ever told you how incredibly loud you are?”

Jaemin stared at him, shocked. Jungwoo raised his tulip glass to his lips, hiding his laugh behind it quite ineffectually.

“Long winded, too,” Renjun added. “And Jungwoo--”

“Are you drunk?” Mark asked.

Recovering quickly, Jaemin tsked, pointing his glass at Donghyuck across the room. “You, be careful. It’s the quietest snake whose bite hurts the most.”

“ _You’re_ drunk, and speaking nonsense again,” Mark sighed. He snapped shut the book in his hand, replacing it on the shelf with care before crossing to Jaemin. He grabbed his arm, leading him out of the parlor. “I’ll get him some water.”

“Oh, Mark, you just need to ring the bell, someone will do that for you,” Jungwoo said, already trailing after them, “Mark, really!”

Their absence was felt. Renjun looked down at the Victrola phonograph beside him, rubbing his thumb over the smooth mahogany edges. 

Donghyuck sat beside him. “Do you want to go home?”

“Why? You’re having fun,” Renjun replied bitterly.

If he expected Donghyuck to scoff at him, he had a lot to learn. 

Donghyuck laid his hand over Renjun’s knee. The back of Renjun’s neck burned.

“Do you want me to fight Jaemin for you?” Donghyuck asked, breaking the heavy moment that was building in Renjun’s chest.

Renjun huffed out a quiet laugh, finally bringing his eyes up to Donghyuck’s face.

Donghyuck smiled back at him, squeezing Renjun’s knee. “I will. I’ll do it. I think I can take him.”

“You probably could,” Renjun agreed. “He’s all bark.”

Donghyuck’s smile widened, his gaze flickering over Renjun’s face. For just a moment, one shared breath, Renjun imagined that Donghyuck was leaning in, that he might kiss him.

“Renjun!”

Renjun stood abruptly, head jerking toward the doorway.

Jaemin stood there, holding onto the doorframe, his eyes wide. “We have to go!”

Had he seen something in the way Renjun waited for Donghyuck to lean in? His heart thudded double-time. “What-”

“There’s no time! The schoolhouse caught fire!”

  
  


Whatever they could have done, there wasn't much left of the schoolhouse to save by the time they arrived in town. 

They took Jungwoo's shiny blue Ford F-1, Jaemin on the passenger side while Jungwoo drove, Mark between them. Renjun and Donghyuck rode in the bed of the truck, gritting their teeth at every bump.

The night flew by them, fields blurring together as they drove toward town. They saw the smoke first, heard the chaos of people running back and forth as they attempted to save the building.

Renjun couldn't feel too bad for a pile of wood, as important as the building was. He had completed all his schooling in those four walls, certainly, but his thoughts were preoccupied. Instead, his stomach rolled as he considered Mark, and he was afraid for him.

Mark's hands stayed at his sides as he stood on the outskirts of the crowd, two fists that held his hopes beside him as he watched everything burn.

Jungwoo pressed his hand to the center of Mark's back, but even his gentle touch wouldn't be enough to comfort Mark.

Mark's apartment, behind the schoolhouse, had already been burned to ash when they jumped out of the truck. Everything he owned in this world was gone now, either dust or barely salvageable amongst the rubble.

"Oh," Donghyuck whispered, "Mark."

Renjun reached out, slipping his hand into Donghyuck's, and didn't mind at all when he held on tight.

He could feel Donghyuck’s ache. He was sure it was what they all felt, though not as much as Mark, who turned away from the fire, leaning into Jungwoo.

Jungwoo cupped Mark’s cheek, his voice low as he spoke to him, thumbing away his tears as they collected in the corners of his eyes. 

After a moment, Mark nodded, just once, a quiet agreement to whatever Jungwoo had offered.

Renjun was certain then, watching the shared look of pain in Jungwoo’s face as he tipped his forehead against Mark’s, that Jungwoo would have given that man the world, if Mark would take it.

Donghyuck stepped closer to Renjun and hugged him.

The smoke burned his eyes, a few renegade tears escaping down his cheeks. He pulled Donghyuck close to his chest, grip around his shoulders firm. He could feel the dampness of Donghyuck’s eyes against his shoulder. 

_Why are you crying?_ He wanted to ask. I _s it this fire or another, far away from here, that you have yet to mourn?_

The smoke had made his throat raw. He held Donghyuck and let him cry, and wanted it to be enough.

He wished he could give him whatever he asked for, but Renjun had little left to give.

  
  


Mark blew on his hot drink before taking a sip. He held the mug in both hands, one of Jungwoo’s best fuzzy blankets draped around his shoulders. 

Jungwoo sat on the back of the sofa, rubbing his fingers in small circles over the back of Mark’s neck. Every so often, his fingertips brushed into the hair at the nape of Mark’s neck, his touch drifting, longing.

Renjun looked away.

Jaemin sank down into the loveseat Renjun had sulked in only a few hours ago, when they were still all unaware of the fire. After sighing heavily, Jaemin asked, “Can I do anything for you before I leave, Mark?”

Mark shook his head. He hadn’t looked much at any of them, only accepting the briefest of hugs from Donghyuck as they bundled him back into the truck before heading again to Jungwoo’s place.

“Jaemin,” Jungwoo murmured, “it’s late. You shouldn’t go back out. Just stay here. All of you, stay, I have more than enough room.”

The unspoken: _stay, we’re all Mark has now._

Mark stood. Jungwoo leapt up as well, rushing around the sofa as if Mark needed him to walk. Maybe he did. 

Mark rested his hand on Jungwoo’s wrist. “I’d like to go to bed now, if that’s alright.”

“Of course,” Jungwoo murmured. He guided Mark from the parlor, only calling for his butler to show the rest of them to their rooms once he’d reached the grand set of stairs in the foyer.

They shuffled along to their rooms in silence, but once the butler returned downstairs, Renjun noticed that Donghyuck had not gone into his room.

Renjun paused, his hand on the doorknob, and called his name.

Donghyuck’s whole body tensed. His eyes were wide and glossy as they searched for him in the dark.

Renjun crossed the hallway to him. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Donghyuck said. His voice barely rose over a whisper.

Renjun waited, certain that it was not as simple as that. Donghyuck was a strong man who had overcome a lot in his relatively short life -- _nothing_ would not shake him like this.

Donghyuck looked down at his feet, his jaw working as he chewed over his thoughts.

“Something must be troubling you,” Renjun murmured. A chance -- was it foolish? Maybe. He tried anyway. “Do you want to stay together tonight? We don’t have to talk about it, whatever it is.”

To his surprise, and dismay, Donghyuck nodded.

They did not sneak. There was no need to. Even the most judgemental servant passing by would not have thought anything of two omegas sharing one room, even two unmated young men. 

Still, it felt like a thrill to let Donghyuck into his bedroom and close the door behind them.

If Donghyuck felt the same uptick in his heart rate as Renjun, he didn’t show it. He flopped back on the huge four-poster bed with a heavy sigh, while Renjun hesitated at the door.

"Sorry," Donghyuck said after a few moments of looking up at the ceiling. "Sometimes I get so...I feel like my stomach is all tied in knots and someone's holding onto my lungs, not letting me breathe. Do you know what I mean?"

Renjun did, but he just shrugged, startled into movement as Donghyuck's eyes landed on him.

"Well," Donghyuck continued, "I'm sorry anyway. I think I just didn't want to be alone. Is that alright with you?"

"Yes," Renjun said. His clothes smelled like smoke but he didn't know if he would survive undressing in front of Donghyuck, so he just slipped his shoes off and sat on the bed. There were many plush pillows and he leaned back against them, grimacing.

"What?" Donghyuck murmured, rolling onto his side to face him.

"Nothing. It's comfortable," Renjun said.

"Too comfortable, right?"

Renjun glanced down at him -- a mistake. 

Donghyuck had pillowed his arm under his cheek, looking up at him with a face so serious it was laughable. Renjun had almost forgotten this expression -- his drawn brows, the little purse of his lips as he thought.

"I guess so," Renjun said when he was sure he wouldn't accidentally laugh.

"I know what you mean," Donghyuck murmured. "It took me ages to feel okay in a regular bed again."

Renjun nodded, shifting around a little to get more comfortable.

"Are you going to sleep sitting up like that?"

Renjun shrugged. "I'm not very tired yet."

"It's been a long day, though," Donghyuck said. His voice was sweet, coaxing. If Renjun was a weaker man, it might have worked, but he had steeled himself for years and Donghyuck's wheedling would not be able to convince him. At least, that is what Renjun hoped.

Donghyuck gave up before truly starting, and instead rolled off the bed to shuck his own trousers off. Renjun averted his eyes until Donghyuck slid under the covers.

Donghyuck groaned. Renjun felt his face flush hot, and kept his gaze on his hands clasped together in his lap.

"You’re right," Donghyuck mumbled, "definitely too comfortable. It's like I'm going to fall straight through to the floor. Here, lie down."

Renjun glanced sideways at him. Donghyuck was the picture of innocence.

Guilt flooded Renjun’s chest. 

Here was this man, his friend, trusting him to lie down and sleep easily, trusting him to be a comfort on this horrific, painful night, and Renjun had already betrayed him. Renjun had already spent days imagining Donghyuck in obscene positions underneath him, over him, had imagined him lying on a mattress looking at him with those brown eyes, his lips curving in a gentle smile, just as he was looking at him now.

Renjun felt a cold sweat break out all over his body. He turned and switched off the lamp by the bed. As he lay down, he kept his back to Donghyuck, staring out into the darkness of the room.

There was a war inside him he was going to lose. Which was worse: Donghyuck knowing and rejecting him, or living with this unspoken feeling beside him?

The former, Renjun decided, pushing the feeling deeper into his chest. With any luck, he could push it deep enough he might forget about it altogether.

Donghyuck couldn’t hear the loud worries in Renjun’s head, he could only hear his own.

“What’ll happen to Mark?” He asked behind Renjun, settling down.

Renjun frowned. “What do you mean?”

“He’s homeless now, isn’t he?”

“He’ll always have a home, with any of us,” Renjun murmured. 

“He can have my room,” Donghyuck offered after a moment of consideration, “Sicheng’s room, I mean.”

“Your room,” Renjun said. “No, Jungwoo will probably ask him to stay here. He’ll like that, right? It’s beautiful. The house, the gardens.”

“It a little much,” Donghyuck said.

For some reason, Donghyuck’s disapproval of the elegance warmed Renjun’s heart a little more. He smiled, pressing his mouth against his hand.

“Good for Mark, though,” Donghyuck continued in a whisper, like the room wouldn’t accept anything else this late at night, “Jungwoo’s a catch, if you’re into that sort of thing.”

Renjun held his breath, waiting for him to continue, but Donghyuck fell quiet.

“Donghyuck?” Renjun whispered. “What sort of thing?”

No response. Renjun rolled over to face Donghyuck and saw the even rise and fall of his chest, his fluttering eyelids. He’d dozed off, just like that.

Renjun laid his head on the pillows, despite their softness, and wondered if he was insane. He had heard him wrong, or was making things up. 

His dizzy thoughts faded into nothingness as he was tricked into an easy sleep, Donghyuck’s body warm beside him, the scent of him all over the room.

  
  


As Renjun guessed, Mark stayed at Jungwoo’s when it came time to part ways.

Renjun was anxious to return home. The skies had turned a deep gray seemingly overnight. He had never left the ranch unattended this long.

Still, he stopped to embrace his friend before he and Donghyuck left to return to the ranch. Mark felt just as sturdy in his arms as he always had, but he clung to Renjun a little tighter, a little longer.

“You’ll be okay here?” Renjun asked as he pulled back to look at him.

Mark nodded. Though the bags under his eyes were dark, there was something different glimmering in his gaze. “I’ll be okay with Jungwoo. I’m sure we’ll have fun, right? There’s always lots of excitement around here, and now I have an unexpected vacation so I won’t have to miss any of it.”

Renjun laughed, squeezing Mark once more before he left. His place at Mark’s side was replaced by their dear host. The alpha placed his hand on Mark’s back again as he waved Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jaemin goodbye, his smile wide and shining. He looked like he had just been crowned king. 

Renjun could imagine the thrill that hummed in Jungwoo’s veins after this strange twist in their lives, as Mark came to live with him. 

“Be careful getting home,” Jaemin said when it came time for them, too, to part. “I think a big storm’s coming in. A blizzard, by the looks of it. You have enough food in the house?”

“We’re alright, Jaemin,” Renjun said. “Stop worrying about us.”

“About you?” Jaemin tsked, and clapped Renjun on the back. “Never.”

The clouds rolled in faster than they expected. Renjun hurried to prepare the animals for the weather, bringing the new calves inside the barn. He was busy the whole day, and grateful for it. With so much work, he didn’t have a second to think about his troubles, and so the day passed quickly.

Renjun hefted an armful of firewood to the corner of the kitchen, adding it to the stack that had already grown tall. Stretching his arms over his head, Renjun groaned quietly. 

“Do you think we’ll need that much?” Donghyuck asked.

“Better to be prepared,” Renjun answered as he turned to face him. “What is there to eat tonight? Are you--” he paused, frowning. “Well, we won’t need to have a big fire tonight, you seem warm enough already. Are you feeling alright?”

Donghyuck’s cheeks, already tinged red, seemed to grow darker under Renjun’s gaze. He wiped the sweat from his brow, but it collected on his top lip, glistening in the low light.

“I feel fine,” Donghyuck said. His voice wavered.

Renjun crossed the room to him. Donghyuck’s saltwater scent thickened in this close proximity. Renjun pressed the back of his hand to Donghyuck’s forehead. 

As he studied his face, concerned, Donghyuck slowly raised his gaze to meet Renjun’s. His dark eyes were glossy. The candle burning on the table reflected in Donghyuck’s eyes, twin flames flickering. Renjun could feel the heat from Donghyuck’s body through both their clothes.

“You’re burning up,” Renjun murmured.

Donghyuck licked his lips. Renjun followed the path of his tongue as it darted out to wet his lower lip. 

“I’m fine,” Donghyuck repeated.

Renjun swallowed hard and lowered his hand. He did not step away. “Donghyuck. Is it your heat?”

Donghyuck was the first to break away. He wiped his hands over his face again, shot Renjun a smile. Was it meant to reassure him? He looked half-mad, the slanted smile crazed.

His scent was still so heavy in the air, even from across the room.

“You know, I feel a little tired. I might go to bed early,” Donghyuck said, backing into the hallway. “There’s some...some bread in the pantry. Ah. Goodnight.”

Already, the wind outside had begun to pick up, howling around the house. Only a few meters were visible from the window, the rest of the ranch lost in the flurry of white snow. The storm had already started. They were stuck here.

Renjun felt the walls close in around him. Everything smelled like the ocean, its waves battering down on the door. Even a floor away from Donghyuck, now shut away in his room, the air was thick with him, the heady sweetness pouring down Renjun’s throat like molten gold -- it set him alight from the inside.

He might have drowned in Donghyuck, if he wasn’t careful, but it would be the sweetest way to go.

His body led him to the foot of the stairs, pulled him to the second floor. There was a hook in his belly that he couldn’t ignore anymore, it was attached to a line rooted in Donghyuck’s smile, the soft curve of his lips around a laugh, the sparkle in his eyes after too many glasses of wine, the way he brushed his dusty palms on the back of his trousers. There was a man in Renjun’s head that he couldn’t be rid of, and the man was living in his house.

Renjun stood outside Donghyuck’s door. 

He raised his shaking hand, knocked his knuckles against the door -- once, twice. 

“Donghyuck?” Renjun rasped. He squeezed his eyes shut as he waited for an answer, steeling himself for Donghyuck to shout at him, to scorn him, to push him away.

Quietly, the shuffle of feet over the floor, the door creaking open.

Those first few seconds as Renjun opened his eyes were the most terrified he had ever felt. There was little else in his life that had made his heart pound so hard and fast in his chest. 

But he could be brave, and he opened them to take in the sight of the man before him, his bare feet, his tanned calves, muscled thighs, bare skin. 

Renjun's eyes trailed up from the floor slowly, because he did not want to waste a moment of this chance, the unique opportunity to look at Donghyuck and satisfy the hungry beast inside him.

Donghyuck still wore his shirt and underwear, but the buttons were undone, the tails of the shirt falling down over his thighs. The cotton shirt clung to his chest, already damp with sweat.

Renjun watched Donghyuck's throat as he swallowed, eyed the working of his jaw as Donghyuck struggled through his clouded mind for words. His grip was tight on the edge of the door, but he made no move to slam it shut again.

They stood there, staring at each other, Renjun's dark eyes meeting Donghyuck's shining gaze as they both held their breath.

"Renjun," Donghyuck said, his voice breaking -- a cry, a plea. Renjun couldn't ignore this, not now, not standing in front of a man begging.

Renjun stepped forward -- or maybe it was Donghyuck who grabbed him first, curling his fingers into the collar of his shirt, dragging him into the room. 

Neither of them bothered to close the door. Who would they be hiding from? This house was theirs, the land theirs -- they were the only souls for miles. 

_We are the only two people in the whole world,_ Renjun thought, and it was true.

It took a moment for Renjun to register the feeling of Donghyuck's mouth on his, but the kiss was not tender and sweet, and Donghyuck's teeth sank into Renjun's flesh with his own desperate hunger, months of waiting breaking through the dam.

Renjun pulled away, panting. Donghyuck's eyes were rimmed pink, his lips already slick with spit. He looked at Renjun, whose hands framed the sides of his face, and waited again, so polite, even as the heat devoured him from the inside out.

"Tell me this is what you want," Renjun whispered. "I'll leave if you don't want this. Tell me."

"Renjun," Donghyuck whispered back, his hands on his wrists, fingers scrabbling over his skin, "Renjun, Renjun. I want you."

Renjun kissed him again, hard. They fell sideways onto the bed, Donghyuck's hands confident as they roamed over Renjun's body. 

Donghyuck gasped as their hips came together, Donghyuck's underwear dragging over the denim of Renjun's worn Levi's, catching on his belt. 

Donghyuck sucked on Renjun's tongue as he undid Renjun's belt, the ease of his movements from practice -- he had done this before. 

Rather than ugly jealousy, the thought went straight to Renjun's cock. 

Donghyuck discarded Renjun's belt and undid his fly, dragging his jeans down his thighs. 

Renjun hissed quietly, the sound pulling Donghyuck' focus back up to his face.

Donghyuck's cheeks were red already, from far more than the fever. "Okay?"

Renjun nodded, quick, slipping his hands under the hem of Donghyuck's shirt to dance his fingers over his bare ribs. His fingertips felt the bumps and ridges of his scars.

He couldn't lament the destruction of the body that used to be Donghyuck's, because that wasn't the Donghyuck he knew. Instead, the desire to worship flared in his chest. It took all his willpower not to push Donghyuck's hands away and fall to his knees.

Renjun's cock was already swollen and weeping by the time Donghyuck curled his fingers around it. 

Donghyuck pressed soft and sweet kisses down Renjun's neck, only to scrape his teeth over his collarbone, leaving marks in his wake as he jerked him off with one hand, the other rubbing circles over the nape of Renjun's neck. 

It was as if Donghyuck had a thousand hands, everywhere all at once, and Renjun was reluctant to tell him to stop -- but this wasn't about Renjun and his own pleasure.

"Donghyuck," Renjun murmured, arching his neck regardless of his need to stop. "Donghyuck. Wait--"

Donghyuck stilled. Renjun had never seen him look so scared before, his lips parted and trembling.

"You don't want to?"

Renjun shook his head, curling his hands over Donghyuck's waist as he guided him onto his back. He straddled Donghyuck's hips, his thighs framing the dip in his waist. 

The sight of his own cock, head red and wet over Donghyuck's stomach, made Renjun flush with embarrassment. "Let me take care of you."

It was unspoken, the harsh reprimand they each had grown too accustomed to giving to anyone who dared assume that either of them needed taking care of, but it was a scolding that didn't belong in this space, where they were the same and so, gorgeously different. Renjun had never seen anyone like Donghyuck before, he doubted he ever would again--

"Okay," Donghyuck said softly.

Renjun leaned down to press their lips together again. Their lips fit so perfectly together he could have cried. 

Renjun brushed his fingers through Donghyuck's hair as he kissed him and kissed him and kissed him...until Donghyuck's quiet sighs of contentment morphed into needy whimpers under Renjun's mouth. 

Renjun moved his hands lower, unbuttoning Donghyuck's shirt until he could push it off his torso. He didn't bother pulling it down Donghyuck's arms, leaving just his chest and shoulders bare.

Renjun rocked himself back against Donghyuck, groaning as he felt that he was fully hard. 

"How far did you get?" Renjun asked, rubbing his ass back against him. 

Donghyuck's hands found purchase on Renjun's hips, digging into his flesh, white-knuckled. Strained, Donghyuck managed, "Not far...I wanted to ask you, but-- ah, don't tease, Renjun."

Renjun pressed one chaste kiss to Donghyuck's bitten lips before slipping down his body. He did away with Donghyuck's underwear, leaving him nearly naked, if not for the shirt hanging around his biceps, but finally, he saw him completely, laid bare.

There was no better sight.

"You're beautiful," Renjun breathed. 

Donghyuck groaned, his head thumping back against the mattress. "Please, do something."

Renjun laughed. He ran his hands over Donghyuck's thighs, spreading them apart, and was hit with the heady scent of the ocean, trees, summer. Donghyuck’s slick dripped down his thighs, pooling on the bed sheets.

Renjun had never seen another omega laid out like this. Was this what he looked like, in the throes of his heat? 

Was this the same obscene sight he made, thighs spread apart, slick smearing over his skin, waiting to be filled?

“Please,” Donghyuck breathed.

Their bodies fit together as if they had been formed just for this, sculpted by hand to slide into this embrace, Donghyuck’s hands all over Renjun’s skin, his thighs framing Renjun’s hips as Renjun entered him.

“Renjun,” Donghyuck gasped against his mouth. His fingernails dug into Renjun’s shoulders as Renjun rocked into him, the movement made smooth by Donghyuck’s slick. 

Renjun fucked him slowly, holding Donghyuck’s thighs. His grip was hard enough that bruises would certainly form in the shape of his fingers. His mouth watered at the thought of them, deep purple blooming over Donghyuck’s skin.

Donghyuck came, clinging to Renjun like a liferaft, his saving grace. Renjun pressed kisses to his forehead, his cheeks, and let Donghyuck wrestle him down onto the mattress for a second round without a moment to breathe -- he didn’t need to, not when everything was Donghyuck.

Before a storm, when the clouds crept across the sky and left everything in blue shadow, there was always a moment of sunlight, shining down in one stop, concentrated heaven -- a moment of hope, God reaching down to touch the earth.

Renjun wasn’t sure what he believed in, but Donghyuck was heaven sent.

  
  


As much as Renjun wanted to stay curled against Donghyuck’s body, comfortable and safe under the heavy quilt, he pulled himself out of sleep to face the day’s responsibilities. 

He hesitated for a moment, sitting on the edge of the bed as he watched Donghyuck’s chest rise and fall, his breaths deep and even, uncertain if he was hoping that Donghyuck would wake and pull him back under the covers or if he wanted him to stay asleep as Renjun slipped out of the room.

Either way, Renjun mustered the strength to dress. Rather than go back to his own room, he pulled on his dirty pair of Levi’s and one of Donghyuck’s clean shirts, relishing in his scent surrounding him as he crept out of the room. 

The snowfall had slowed considerably while they slept. Though the snow was deep outside, the sky was only light gray, and Renjun could see as far as the barn. That was his destination, after all.

The cows lowed as he entered the barn. Despite the storm, the inside of the barn was warm and comfortable. The smell of Donghyuck and their shared bed was replaced by livestock and hay. 

Renjun checked on each of the newborn calves. He didn’t want to waste any time, not with the man waiting for him to return, slumbering on in his absence. As he worked, he began to hum under his breath. 

He didn’t fully realize it until the barn door slid open again. 

Renjun looked over, startled.

Donghyuck heaved the door shut, nearly losing his grip on his coat, which he’d clasped tight under his chin with one hand. 

“What are you doing up?” Renjun asked, already crossing over to him. 

Without an answer, he worried with Donghyuck’s clothes. He hadn’t bundled up nearly enough, his heat hormones betraying the rational parts warn him of the devastating cold.

“You have a nice voice,” Donghyuck murmured, unperturbed at Renjun’s frenzied inspection of his outerwear. “You should sing for me sometime.”

Renjun laughed aloud. He had not yet had the time or energy to wonder what their first conversation might be, post-coital slumber, but he should have expected Donghyuck to ease them back into teasing.

Renjun set his hands on Donghyuck’s waist, tilting his face up to look at Donghyuck. “Next time we go to Jungwoo’s. He can play something, and I’ll sing.”

“Oh, a full performance?” Donghyuck hummed, slipping his arms around Renjun’s shoulders. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve such a spectacle?”

Renjun struggled not to tug Donghyuck in any closer, wanting to give him space to breathe, to think, to make a decision. But it was hard, knowing already that Donghyuck had followed him through the snow and blistering cold rather than wait in the comfort of a warm bed.

“You came,” Renjun answered.

It was Donghyuck’s turn to laugh, the sound ringing around the barn in an exclamation of pretty, pretty joy, and Renjun’s turn to blush as he realized the double meaning of his words.

When Donghyuck calmed, he dipped his head to press a kiss to Renjun’s cheek. “I’ll always come, if that’s what you want.”

Renjun sighed quietly, gripping Donghyuck’s waist a little tighter, his reward for Donghyuck’s fun at his expense. “You should have waited in the house. What if you get sick?”

“Stop worrying so much, darling,” Donghyuck murmured. “I had to make sure you didn’t wise up and run away, didn’t I?”

 _I’m no fool,_ Renjun wanted to say, but Donghyuck didn’t leave him time, slotting their lips together again as he slipped his fingers through Renjun’s hair.

Wrapped up in Donghyuck’s arms, Renjun let himself be lowered into hay. Scratchy, strange, laughable -- none of it registered. Here, with Donghyuck’s mouth on him, his breath hitching as their bodies melted together and Donghyuck’s scent enveloped him, the world could explode around them, and he wouldn’t mind at all.

  
  


Donghyuck’s heat passed and the snow melted. Their days spent pressed together, sweat sticky and apathetic, vanished as the sun rose.

Renjun woke first, as he was wont to do, but a familiar anxiety squeezed his heart as he looked down at the body sleeping beside him. 

He bathed before cooking breakfast. His skin felt smooth where grime had built up before, but with cleanliness came the absence of Donghyuck on his body. After days basking in his scent, the soap felt traitorous.

Renjun swallowed past the growing lump in his throat and pulled his boots on to check the animals before he woke Donghyuck, once more choosing work before the ache to crawl back into bed and cling to the other man, beg him to never leave. How long could they survive, their bodies twisted together, without leaving the bedroom again? 

He returned to find all the downstairs lights on. He bit his lip as he opened the door, expecting to see Donghyuck, still naked, at the kitchen table, hunched over a cup of coffee and a plate of eggs.

Instead, he found his brother in front of the fireplace, his coat discarded on the back of the plush armchair. His legs stretched out in front of him as he warmed his sock clad toes by the fire.

Sicheng rolled his head back, groaning as his neck cracked. “Renjun. I figured you were outside. I rode in on the train last night, but the storm was too bad, so I hitched a ride in with Mr. Kim this morning and--”

“Why are you here?” Renjun blurted out. 

As Sicheng’s expression shifted from warm to confused, Renjun shoved his trembling hands into his pockets.

“Didn’t I tell you I would be home before the holidays?” Sicheng asked. He added, more carefully, “Renjun, you don’t look very happy to see me.”

Renjun did love his brother dearly, but he would have loved him much more if he had not come home that morning.

Renjun took a few deep breaths to steady himself before nodding his head toward the kitchen. “I made breakfast.”

Sicheng didn’t require any further convincing. He followed Renjun to the table and dug in. 

Renjun’s stomach would not accept food. Though he chewed diligently, it took too much work to force the food down his throat, so he opted for holding his cup of coffee as he stood by the stove, just for something to do with his hands while Sicheng small talked at him between bites.

Donghyuck emerged with his hair still sticking up at all angles in an awkward halo, and a slant of a smile that betrayed too much. 

Renjun’s averted his eyes, throat burning.

“Donghyuck,” Sicheng greeted him. “You look...are you well?”

Donghyuck managed a reply, but the noise in Renjun’s head was too loud for his answer to sink in.

He was pulled back by a silence even louder. 

Looking up, his heart sank as he found Donghyuck’s eyes already on him.

“I don’t know,” Donghyuck said, quiet, so quiet, “I hadn’t made any plans, really.”

“That works out fine, then, doesn’t it?” Sicheng hummed. “My friend said you can start immediately. They’ll even pay for the train ticket.”

“What?” Renjun interrupted.

“I found Donghyuck a job,” Sicheng said, making it clear he was repeating himself by the way he sighed and shook his head, “back in the city.”

Renjun stared at Donghyuck, who stared back, and silence reigned over the kitchen.

“It’s a good job,” Sicheng supplied, “pays a lot. Better than anything out here…”

“Thank you,” Donghyuck said slowly, “but--”

“There’s no reason to stay, right?” Sicheng said, looking out the window. Briefly, something like wistfulness flashed over his face, as if he were missing something, or someone. “It’s too cold here. There’s so much space.”

_There’s no reason to stay, right?_

Renjun turned, busying himself with the stove to avoid watching Donghyuck make his plans to run away. There was nothing for him here, after all. He had always just been passing through.

He didn’t realize when Donghyuck left the room, and he made no move to follow him.

  
  


They avoided each other like two ghosts, just shadows slipping around the corners, memories behind Renjun’s eyelids. 

Sicheng, who had allowed Donghyuck to stay in his room for the few days remaining at the ranch, brought home a train ticket, gifted it to Donghyuck in a clean envelope, and Renjun still could not speak.

But he found himself outside Donghyuck’s room again, the night before he was scheduled to leave, hovering in the space between wanting to be noticed and wanting to disappear altogether.

Casually, Renjun leaned against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest.

Donghyuck did not look up to meet his eyes. He folded his clothes carefully, tucking them back into his bag. He had obtained a few more belongings than he’d come with, but it didn’t make much of a difference, since his bag had been nearly empty when he set foot on the ranch.

Still without a glance at Renjun, Donghyuck crossed to the dresser, picking up his photos to slide between the pages of a book for safety. He paused for a moment at one, running his finger over the edge of the photo.

Renjun had seen it before. Countless times, he’d walked past Sicheng’s old bedroom and found Donghyuck sitting on the edge of the bed, his head bowed low as he examined the photograph. 

The man in the photograph was young. Young enough for Renjun to hesitate over whether to call him a man at all. Dark hair slicked back from his forehead, army uniform simple and neat. A few moles decorated his face. _Beauty marks,_ Renjun thought, was the more appropriate thing to call them. Because he was beautiful, as most young men are before they know they are going to die.

 _Is that him?_ Renjun wondered. _Is he the reason you can’t love me back?_

“The train leaves at noon,” Donghyuck said. His voice was flat, all the sweetness squeezed out of it. Renjun never deserved it anyway. 

He couldn’t respond.

“I probably won’t see you again before I leave,” Donghyuck said. He set the book on top of his clothes and closed his bag. 

The room looked as it had before he’d ever arrived, save for his watch on the nightstand, his shoes by the door. 

Renjun’s gaze caught on the bed. It was strange to think that something so small could have housed something that felt so enormous. Under this dull evening light, his heart torn in two, it was just a bed.

“Did you come to say goodbye?”

No. He hadn’t. 

_Goodbye,_ tasted like acid, blood, sawdust poured down his throat, a kick in the gut. 

_Stay,_ he wanted to say. _Please stay. I will make a home for you, and we can be happy. I will be good for you, good and selfish._

“Yeah,” Renjun said. “Be safe.”

When he cried that night, he decided it was his punishment for allowing Donghyuck to pack his things and plan a future without him, but it didn’t feel like enough. He was not brave or selfish enough to tell the truth, so he was condemned to this life alone. 

Just a wall away, he imagined he could hear Donghyuck breathing. He listened for the rise and fall of his chest all night long.

  
  


The sun should not have risen, but Renjun watched the light peak over the horizon as if the world had not yet ended. He knew better.

He left the house before anyone else had left their dreams, sneaking past Sicheng in the living room. 

His movements were mechanical as he saddled Cherry, but he still felt the tightness in his chest as he rode away from the house, headed toward the sun, headed nowhere.

The snow was not very deep now. In no time, he created distance between himself and what he was losing, but he could not loosen the grip around his heart. It only grew tighter the farther he rode.

Renjun tilted his head up to the gloomy sky, letting the sun hit his face. The cold air dried his eyes before tears could fall. It was anticlimactic, wanting. It should have been an end, but all Renjun could think about was the surviving he had left.

He waited until it felt like he had waited long enough, and turned Cherry back toward home.

Mark was waiting for him on the porch.

His friend’s nose was red from the cold, his lips pressed in a line. 

Renjun slipped down off the saddle, holding Cherry’s reins as he met Mark in front of the house.

Without giving Renjun the chance to ask what he was doing there, Mark shook his head. “You’re an idiot.”

“Excuse me?” Renjun asked, frowning.

“You’re a fool,” Mark continued, unabated, “the most foolish man I’ve ever met. Since you weren’t here, I thought you might have gotten a little smarter, but you’re still such a dumbass.”

“I don’t know why you think I’m going to stand here and listen to you insult me,” Renjun said. He couldn’t stoke any offense to Mark’s words, regardless, and he remained rooted to the spot, waiting for Mark to continue his judgement.

Mark reached out, gripping Renjun’s arms. “Don’t let him leave, Renjun.”

Renjun blinked, shaken, as his friend searched his face for understanding. “What?”

“It’s a mistake, letting him leave,” Mark insisted, his voice softening as he found the brokenness in Renjun’s eyes. Mark was always too smart for his own good, and for a moment, Renjun tried to hate him for knowing him so well.

“Did you all know?” Renjun croaked out.

Mark shook his head. “Does it matter? He’ll be on the train any minute, and then you’ll never get him back.”

Renjun deflated, hanging his head. Mark’s hands slipped over his shoulders, cupping the back of his neck. His warm touch was soothing on Renjun’s wind-burned skin. Renjun ached to fall forward into his embrace, wishing Mark could leech away the pain that pulsed through his body, but Mark’s arms wouldn’t feel the same as Donghyuck’s.

Mark pushed Renjun’s Stetson off and pressed his lips to the crown of his head. “I know it’s hard, loving someone. That’s what makes it so good when it works.”

“It won’t work.”

“You haven’t given it the chance to,” Mark murmured. “You have to give him the chance. You have to let yourself want something and have it, too.”

“It’s too late.”

Mark huffed and pulled back, shaking Renjun’s shoulders. “Stop arguing with me and go! If you’re quick enough, you can still catch him.”

“But…” Renjun wanted to argue, but his attention was caught on Mark’s neck, the teeth marks scarring his skin, surrounded by pretty blues and purples. It was evidence of something more than Mark’s own courage, but of a world where Renjun could be selfish and not punish himself for it.

“Do you think I can make it?” Renjun breathed.

Mark grinned, pushing him. “Go. Hurry!”

Renjun swung into the saddle, his heart racing. “Mark--”

He could not find the words to thank him, but the man already knew. Renjun felt like holding his breath as he urged Cherry forward. She was fast, but it didn’t feel fast enough. His vision blurred as the world whipped by, the ranch disappearing behind him.

It was almost noon. Jungwoo’s F-1 was much faster than a horse. What if the train had left early, what if he wouldn’t make it?

Renjun’s chest burned and his hands were trembling as he pulled Cherry to a halt outside the depot. His thoughts ran haywire as he dismounted -- all around him was noise, movement, people stepping through their lives, crossing his path, never to be seen again. 

But the train was still beside the platform. He had a chance.

Renjun grabbed his hat off his head as he stumbled through the small crowd to the platform. For a moment, the wild idea that he would have to climb aboard the train flashed through his mind, but then he saw him.

Donghyuck stood at the other end of the platform, his head bowed over a small stack of papers in his hand. His bag laid at his feet. Alone, he looked so small, a solitary figure which the crowd gave a wide berth, but in Renjun’s eyes he was the only person there.

“Donghyuck!” Renjun called. The conductor’s voice carried much farther than Renjun’s, drowning him out.

Renjun continued toward him, pushing through the crowd. “Donghyuck!” He shouted again.

Donghyuck looked up, searching for the origin of his name in the sea of strangers. When his gaze landed on Renjun, there was a flash of something dark over his face, and then it fell blank.

Renjun sucked in a deep breath as he stopped a few feet away. They stared at each other, somehow miles apart despite the brave new blood that pulsed through Renjun’s veins.

“Did I forget something?” Donghyuck asked.

“Yes.” Renjun stepped forward, determined to cross the distance. Donghyuck was unmoved, passive. But Renjun knew him better than he thought, and Donghyuck’s fidgeting fingers flipped through the papers in his hands, tugged at the collar of his coat, rubbed together.

Renjun swallowed hard, and forced himself to speak. “I’m sorry.”

Donghyuck rocked back on his heels. “For what?”

“For not telling you the truth.”

“What’s that?”

It hurt, to tear himself open and show his heart to Donghyuck. Raw, aching, Renjun managed, “I want you to stay.”

Donghyuck laughed. The sound sunk deep into Renjun’s bones, chilling him from the inside out. “Do I have a reason to stay?”

“Yes,” Renjun said again, “me.”

Donghyuck quieted. He examined Renjun, and for once Renjun did not turn away. 

“You,” Donghyuck murmured, “you said nothing.”

“I’m sorry,” Renjun said, his voice quaking, “but you didn’t say anything either.”

Donghyuck hummed, thoughtful, though he glanced away. Renjun knew he had stung him, but if he was going to be honest, he had to say everything.

“I didn’t know how to ask you to stay. I still don’t, but I’ll try. Donghyuck,” Renjun said, “I am begging you not to go.”

Donghyuck reached for him and Renjun fell forward, curling his fingers into the fabric of his coat, holding on like a drowning man. Donghyuck raised his hand, palming Renjun’s jaw.

“I’ve never wanted you to beg, darling,” Donghyuck murmured. “I just want…”

“Do you love me?” Renjun asked.

Donghyuck smiled, cautious, sweet. He rubbed his thumb over Renjun’s temple, resting his other hand on his waist. “Tell me first. If you don’t want me, then I’ll go.”

“Stay,” Renjun whispered, “I love you.”

Donghyuck’s mouth tasted like freedom. For once, Renjun held him and did not think about anything else.

Donghyuck’s eyes were glistening when they parted. Renjun pressed his fingertips to Donghyuck’s cheeks, smiling despite his tears. 

“Will you stay with me?” Renjun asked softly.

Donghyuck nodded, leaning in to steal another kiss, and Renjun gave it willingly. He was raw and open, and everything was Donghyuck, everything was his. 

“Take me home,” Donghyuck said, pressing their palms together. He snatched Renjun’s hat up from the ground, dropped and forgotten in Renjun’s haste, placing the Stetson on top of his own head and smiled.

The ranch had never seen anything like Donghyuck’s smile. Neither had Renjun. He kissed it away again, and knew it would always come back.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!!
> 
> please talk to me about renjanch!!! 
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/jpseudy)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/jpseudy)


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